A Summary of The Primal Questions Framework
What if we could quickly discover emotional freedom and live in our relational superpower? What if we could figure out why we get anxious and swiftly discouraged? We can when we understand and implement the Primal Question Framework.
“If we are unaware of our patterns, beliefs, and emotional needs, how can we possibly live our best life?”[1]
The research shows that whether we realize it or not, we have a primal need that influences ninety-nine percent of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Most of us, including counselors, therapists, and pastors, seek growth by changing behaviors. We call that living in the branches when our real issues are in the roots.
We can’t trim our way to a better life; we must care for the roots.
We find our roots when we discover our apex emotional need through our Primal Question.
The Seven Questions and Where They Originate
So, what are the Primal Questions? The research reveals seven:
1. Am I safe?
2. Am I secure?
3. Am I loved?
4. Am I wanted?
5. Am I successful?
6. Am I good enough?
7. Do I have a purpose?
Multiple questions may resonate, but we each have one that propels us.
Our Primal Question is shaped in childhood. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson often says,
“We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us.”[2]
We need that person to guide us in understanding ourselves and our worth.
Those early messages become the foundation of our identity, behaviors, and beliefs.
As children, we’re sponges of information and expect adults to tell us how the world works—if we’re safe, secure, loved, wanted, successful, valued, and have a purpose.
These needs provoke questions we didn’t know we were asking—Primal Questions. They’re primal because they’re instinctual and core. We ask each of them. When our parents or caregivers respond with a big yes through their actions and words, we soak in the affirmation and adopt the perspective as true. The positive reality in those answers shapes our identity.
However, we all have one Primal Question, one apex emotional need, that was met with a no or created confusion.
The negative story about that question digs deep into our identity.
Sometimes, trauma imprints the question on us. Trauma is not our fault, but we benefit from understanding how it makes us vulnerable to a negative answer to our Primal Question.
For example, a parent leaving can make us wonder if we’re wanted. Abuse can make us feel unsafe about everything. Trauma stamps us with a Primal Question.
Trauma, however, isn’t the source of every Primal Question.
Often, we can be confused about adult influencers' actions and messages, even positive and inspirational ones. Confusion imprints us, too.
For example, if our parents remind us that we’re created for a purpose and inspire us to change the world, we might be driven constantly to ask if our lives are meaningful enough. Or, we might have gotten our wires crossed by our dad’s absence and wondered if he wanted to be with us even though he had no choice but to work long hours.
Most of us struggle with one apex emotional need because of childhood trauma or confusion.
“This locks the child,” Foster says, “onto their unique Primal Question that they will continue to ask into adulthood. They will keep asking this question, day after day, looking to have it answered with a yes.”[3]
This need becomes a major driver.
It’s the thing beneath the thing that influences everything. It both messes with us and can unleash us.
The most important thing about figuring out our Primal Question is not how we got it but how it influences much of our daily lives. Understanding and working with our Primal Question helps us overcome our destructive patterns and maximize our offering to the world.
We know we’ve found our Primal Question when many things become clear, especially our Scramble.
The Scramble
When our primal need receives a no or maybe, we get unsettled. Rejection or uncertainty triggers us to do whatever it takes to force the answer back to a yes. We call that unsettling and desperate activity the Scramble.
Our Scramble is all the unhealthy behaviors and unhelpful choices we use to force a yes to our Primal Question.
We figured out as a child how to get our primary need met, and we carry that coping maneuver into adulthood. For example:
An unsafe child becomes hypervigilant.
A child who feels unloved might try to care for everyone.
A child who longs to feel successful works twice as hard as everyone else.
A child who never feels good enough leans toward perfectionism and people-pleasing.
We scramble when we feel desperate. As adults, we employ new and more frantic strategies to meet our primal need that ultimately undermine our lives, often reflexively and unconsciously. The Scramble stirs a massive self-sabotaging and unempowered lifestyle.
Our times of Scramble are chaotic, disruptive, and unproductive.
Here are a few more examples:
Blaming
People-pleasing
Over-giving
Codependency
Defending
Defaulting to others’ choices and opinions
Endless Researching
Perfectionism
Transactional love
Paranoia about investments, safety, and love
Extreme focus on appearance
Workaholic tendencies
Promiscuous sexual activity
Purchasing to impress
Seeking control
Once we understand our Primal Question, we can identify our Scramble. We aim to understand what launches our Scramble, help others avoid giving us a no, and, ultimately, anchor our Primal Truth so we aren’t easily triggered.
The Scramble works like this:
We were stamped with a Primal Question in our childhood.
Now, as adults, we subconsciously ask this question repeatedly.
When the answer to our Primal Question is a yes, life feels positive.
When the answer is no or maybe, we enter the scramble.
In the scramble, we attempt to force a yes through unhealthy means.
When the answer is returned to a yes, life is good again. [4]
Our Primal Question profoundly influences our emotions, interactions, and life choices, shaping how we view ourselves and our role in the world. When life is good, we can relax and live in our Primal Truth.
Transitioning from Primal Question to Primal Truth
When we choose our Primal Truth, we alter the question to a positive affirmation:
Q1: “Am I safe?” becomes "I am safe."
Q2: “Am I secure?” becomes "I am secure."
Q3; “Am I loved?” becomes "I am loved."
Q4: “Am I wanted?” becomes “I am wanted.”
Q5: “Am I successful?” becomes “I am successful.”
Q6: “Am I good enough?” becomes “I am good enough.”
Q7: “Do I have a purpose?” becomes “I have a purpose.”
Changing the phrasing is easy. Believing and being transformed by the truth is challenging.
We need resilience from assisted self-discovery and empowered self-leadership to achieve what results in a relaxed and good life.
Specific strategies aid us in living in our Primal Truth. For example, we can:
Reject the logic and disempowerment we used and felt as a child.
Answer our Primal Question with a yes for ourselves.
Invite others to help us see the truth about who we are.
Discover our creator’s fondness and approval.
It takes work, but we can get to Primal Truth living.
We’re not settling for naïve and unsustainable positive thinking. In our Primal Truth, we expect adverse circumstances and problematic outcomes. We can live in truth and minimize our Scramble no matter the messages or difficulties we encounter. We’re in charge and tune with reality.
Primal Truth living epitomizes self-leadership, adult logic, and empowerment. It’s the way to emotional freedom.
It’s also the path to serving others with our Primal Gift.
Our Primal Gift
Understanding my Primal Question has helped me overcome my scramble and freed me to serve others joyfully and passionately with my Primal Gift.
My Primal Question is, “Am I successful?”
When people or circumstances highlight my failure, I scramble. I desperately do whatever I can to feel like I’m a success.
Sometimes, my Scramble is ridiculous—I create a list of simple things to do to feel successful when the day is done and the boxes are checked.
Sometimes, my Scramble hurts others, arguing emphatically with someone who challenges me, insisting I’m right. Most often, my Scramble results in obsessive work.
Yet, when I’m in my bright spot, living in my Primal Truth, even public mistakes and failures don’t shake me. I know in God’s eyes that I’m a success. He defines success as faithfulness, and I’m often faithful. He also is very fond of me, no matter what I do, win or lose. That’s success.[5]
And, for extra support, I look at the wake of good things behind me, listen to those who love me, and know I’ve succeeded. I relish in my Primal Truth.
And that opens me to an even more beautiful reality: my Primal Gift.
Since I’ve fought for a yes to my success my whole life, I’ve become a success expert. That skill becomes my Primal Gift. I have a remarkable ability grounded in my apex need and transformed into an offering for the world.
I can help others succeed in ways that people without my Gift could never do.
All of us have a Primal Gift to offer to the world.
It’s uniquely tied to our Primal Question.
We share it best when we’re in our Primal Truth.
It’s our superpower.
Our pain and struggle equipped us to master our Primal Question. We know how to get a yes, and when we focus that learning outward, we can enliven people with knowledge, skill, and emotional empowerment to feel and believe their yes.
We become experts at helping people feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, successful, enough, or purposeful.
Essentially, we tend to offer others what we most desire ourselves, turning our struggles into strengths.
These gifts, forged through personal challenges, enable us to enhance our relationships, family dynamics, and professional life. The unanswered question of our childhood becomes an extravagant gift with which we serve others.
Our Gift can immediately enhance our closest relationships—parenting, marriage, work partnerships, and friendships.
Imagine the health of our relationships if we focused on answering each other’s Primal Question with a yes each day. How would our relationships change if we supported others with empathy in their Scramble, guidance to their Primal Truth, and unleashed their potential with their Primal Gift?
Beautiful.
Identifying Our Primal Question
The best way to discover our Primal Question and use it to solve our struggles and serve the world is to work with a Primal Questions Certified coach.
Proverbs 27:17 states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
We’re better together, and working with a caring and challenging coach moves us forward exponentially fast. When ready, contact me about coaching.
In the meantime, we can all investigate our Primal Question with these four methods:
Take the free Primal Question assessment:
Reflect on what triggers you and why. (What quickly amps up your emotions?)
Consider your relational strengths. (What comes naturally for you that doesn’t for others?)
Determine your core message for the world. (What would you say if you had one thing to tell the world?)
This introspective journey brings clarity. Consider how the answers link to one of the Primal Questions.
Conclusion
Identifying our Primal Question is a transformative step toward greater self-awareness and compassion. It redefines our narrative, enabling us to lead a more resilient, meaningful, and satisfying life.
To discover your Primal Question, take the free assessment and schedule a 45-minute complimentary Discovery Call to explore how this piece of the puzzle can enhance your life and relationships.
NOTES
[1] Mike Foster is the author of The Seven Primal Questions: Take Control of the Hidden Forces That Drive You. Five Dates. 2023. Kindle Edition. Much of the ideas in this article come from the book and my training as a Certified Primal Questions Coach. Mike, the Framework’s developer, is my coaching mentor.
[2] Curt Thompson, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Story We Believe About Ourselves (Intervarsity Press, 2015), 138.
[3] Ibid., 23.
[4] Ibid., 36. The six points and the illustration are Foster’s.
[5] See especially the metaphor in 1 Corinthians 3:5-9. We learn that the results of our work aren’t much in our control. God notices our faithfulness no matter the outcome. And as far as the fondness of God, see Romans 8:15-16, where we are described as his precious children who get to call him Papa. Also, consider the entire big story of the Bible that reveals God’s goodness and beauty, his care and love toward us, without us ever earning it.